Published in The Checkup Magazine dated 02.09.2025
https://www.thecheckup.in/swearing-surgeons-and-vengeful-anaesthetists/
“Publish or perish,” says the academic world harshly and universally. Fortunately, in medical sciences, the motto is still not an overwhelming drive. Doctors can still live and treat patients without publishing anything. A wise man (yours truly) once quipped that the West produces research papers and treatment protocols based on two cases, while India treats a hundred such cases based on those papers. Meanwhile, China treats a thousand similar cases and translates the Western papers into Chinese and calls them their own, as there is nobody to verify.
Anyway, the publishing business seems to be scraping the bottom of the knowledge barrel since some papers, in recent times, are getting increasingly bizarre, though occasionally intriguing. A paper by a group of anaesthesiologists in the West serves as a prime example. A stunned Indian mind can only spare some time to stand and stare at such an inconceivable idea. Anaesthetists and surgeons, we all know, have a high degree of mutual hatred, intolerance, and distrust of each other. Right, just like modern-day marriages. The anaesthetists would not have considered writing such a paper otherwise. These folks measured the swearing patterns of various surgical specialities during operations. They made it gender neutral and actually graded the levels of swearing from the gentlest (involving bodily excretions) to the obscenest, previously meant for only adult-rated movies and now for our OTT platforms.
However, bizarre though it may be, this study did confirm some unestablished truths and reveal surprises too. Orthopaedic surgeons swore the most (highest both by number and grade). Such behaviour is hardly surprising considering the fact that they are the missing link between humans and non-humans. What was surprising was that gynaecologists swore more than the surgeons. We tend to view gynaecologists, with honey perpetually dripping from their mouths, as sweet angels who have been dropped into the operating theatre by the direct word of God. However, this paper seems to demonstrate a Jekyll and Hyde phenomenon. The sweet gynaecologists turn into something else while operating, it seems.
I digress, but if one is undergoing surgery and needs to choose a surgeon of any kind, the best bet is to ask an anaesthetist. Through their mafiosi network, every anaesthesiologist is aware of the reputations of all surgeons. While a sober anaesthetist may hold back on certain details, a suitably intoxicated one is more likely to provide the most candid information regarding surgeons and their skills. My anaesthetist alludes to this secret, but on one occasion, while inebriated, he made a definitive statement about the swearing gynaecologists, which many are unaware of. This paper serves as confirmation of that assertion.
Female anaesthesiologists confirm the tendency for orthopaedic surgeons to swear. A friend of mine, a highly competent anaesthesiologist, was bluntly informed that she could not be called for orthopaedic cases, as the swearing would be embarrassing for everyone involved. Setting gender controversies aside, there is an intriguing trend regarding gender mismatches within these specialities. While having a male gynaecologist may not be too common, female orthopaedic surgeons are indeed rare. I have received reports that more females are increasingly choosing this speciality. Is this shift due to an increase in swearing among females, or have they gained the strength to manage the hammers and drills more effectively? Orthopaedics remains one of the last bastions resisting the ongoing march of women’s empowerment.
We often ponder whether those who swear the most gravitate towards orthopaedics or if those who enter the field of orthopaedics first learn to swear as a prerequisite before mastering their saws, axes, knives, and spears. It’s a classic chicken-and-egg question. On one occasion, a first-year orthopaedic resident, who was a colleague of ours, had an accident, and his chief performed surgery on him for a fracture. At that time, a new drug was becoming increasingly popular among anaesthesiologists; it induced a unique effect referred to as “dissociation”, a trance-like state in which the patient remains conscious while being free from pain.
This effect occasionally allows the inner beast to emerge. The resident received this drug while the chief was repairing his bones. The resident, under anaesthesia, subjected the chief himself to an onslaught of brutal swearing during the procedure. The swearing not only targeted all the female members of the chief’s family but also extended to his ancestors, tracing back to Adam. The stunned chief took a solemn oath, following this experience, never to administer this new drug for surgery on anyone, particularly his residents.
A bell curve of incomes, speciality-wise, would have outliers beyond three standard deviations on both sides. Orthopaedic surgeons and gynaecologists would be situated on the far side. Paediatric surgeons, including yours truly, would occupy the opposite side of the bell curve. An average orthopaedic surgeon makes at least ten times more money than a paediatric surgeon. Perhaps a gynaecologist earns a hundred times more. Papers like these are soul satisfiers for poor folk like us to rant and rave. So, for the common folk out there who look at these people like gods (and are not even aware of the existence of paediatric surgeons), this paper is a breaker of myths.
Disregarding the discomfort of heartburn, ultimately, we do care for them. Or rather, we have an inbuilt respect (mostly out of fear) for them. For we are all born in the hands of one, and with the state of our roads and traffic, there is a distinct possibility of reaching the other for our health needs sooner or later. Finally, anaesthetists are wily people who do not allow surgeons to watch them while they are practicing their dark arts. Therefore, we do not know about their swearing rates. I think we need to install some cameras to record what they say and do during anaesthesia. Presently, we only know that they are extremely proficient at scrolling their smartphones apart from anaesthesia.
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